ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Suggested Deviants
Suggested Collections
You Might Like…
Description
Hi there folks
I missed last Thursday to post because of the thunderstorm we had (the internet and lights went down) but now I have some time, I would like to post this I made on April. It was a drawing of Faikel I made to feel better one time when I talked with somebody about faikel and he seemed not to like him for some months. Fortunately, I took some days to explain him that there's nothing wrong with having imagination and loving your own character, and this situation came out greatly at the end And you know? Now when I see this drawing I feel very happy I made it, cos probably it's one of the most wonderful pics of him I've ever done *chuckles* And at the time I made it, I really felt better It was like...like if I could transfer the pain of my heart to this piece of paper and then feel way better! I think that's amazing thing! it was amazing, specially cos when I feel sad or bad for something that happens I just try and draw happy stuff to feel better. But this time, the pain of my heart was that big that I felt like drawing something that could represent how I was feeling. And well...I post this today because...well, I can't draw new stuff...and because I am feeling the same way, not for the same reason, but because it's that I've been dealing with one of the most hard moral dilemmas I've ever had! And I don't know how to solve it so it can end good for both! this is something people don't teach in the school....I wish someone taught me how to solve stuff like this...Oh and the tittle it's because when I drew this, I imagined faikel being bereaved , looking at the stars wondering "What did I do wrong?!!"
I know I mentioned somedays ago that I was so enthusiastic and happy about some new art pieces I was working on, but I had to stop 2 of them due force majeure causes, some days ago, and I just got to finish one of them, the fairy alien, cos was a request....I think maybe I did wrong for not finish the other pieces first, becuase I was using my other 2 pieces of work as self-theraphy, to cope with this dilema while I can find a good solution for it....But when I stopped those drawings I could remember the trouble again, and I feel like I can't come back to work on them...or any other thing...because I feel like my art no longer have a meaning....Maybe for other people...but not for me *sigh*...
I've struggled to find some meaning on my artwork again since a pretty good while...and I even asked for help to some close person who always told me that was willing to help me when I had trouble, but he says "it sounds like a normal artist block" but no it isn't...the reason why I can't make artwork anymore it's cos I feel all empty and energy-drained...I feel tormended and mortified and feary to not chose the right answer...cos I want a solution to this stuff and makes everybody happy, but it seems like there's no one! ....
Well, this person it's someone who, I gave a lot of myself, maybe...I've given him too much of my own self...I told him about my artistic projects and ideas, my hopes and dreams, my deepest fears....but it seems like all this has been in vain, because the didn't like a couple of my ideas, said that they were vulgar and ridiculous, and now he has put me in a dilemma in which it seems there's no way out....there's no way I can find some choice that makes him and me feel happy and in peace...the story it's long....it has something to do with art....and I don't know why I'm rambling about this now...I just thought writting here could make me feel a bit better...and since opi is blocked since a good time I can't write there
well, in short, everything started when he showed me some pics that he liked, and I told him that they were dangerous but he didn't listened. He also showed me artwork of other people, a genre of artwork I've never seen until that time, a genre of artwork that always have beenconsidered unworthy for a lot of people...even by me...but I accepted because I thought that share that with me would make him feel better with himself.
He said he liked the art of that genre that people make, and he made me see THE BEAUTY in it! And later he said he wanted me to do art of that kind for him, and I did it because...He was my friend...he was my family...and I thought that was what he needed to feel better and leave behind his problems of the past...but, after that...that's when the tragedy begun...Because because to him I had seen that there was some beauty on that kind of art and I told him with enthuisasm that I wanted to make a couple of drawings of that genre and share them with the world, cos I knew I could make a better job and I could redeem that kind of art, but he said no!...He just said "absolutely no" and he said that it was a bad idea. I asked him why the suddenly change of mind he just said that he never liked that kind of art and that he found it unworthy and that it had no place on the art world then I answered him "why you shared with me that art and you said you liked it then?" "why you showed me that world?!"
I told him that I've seen the good stuff on that art and also the flaws of it, and that I thought eliminating the flaws and making better art I could make that genre of art worthy....I thought that with my wit and intelligence and creativity and heart could make it worthy!...I thought my kind heart could make it worthy!....but he refused, he said it was impossible! And also told me that if I even try to make that kind of art in the future and share it he would feel betrayed, he said that sharing that kind of art was like giving your soul to the world that was wrong to do O_O
But no, I don't think it is like that way. That doesn't work that way. I mean, it's true you give a part of your soul when you make art, but it happens with every kind of art in general, not just with only one. And when you give a part of your heart, it's not the same kind of part you give to your family, to your friends, or your partner, than the one you give to the world when making art and sharing it! it's not the same part! It's not the same! but it seems like he can't get it! And now it seems like he's forcing me to chose beewten having his frienship and love or keeping with my old dream of doing beautiful artwork to make this world a bit better place.....
He says I can't fix this problem of the world with that art because that will be dangerous and might destroy me in the process....And maybe he is right and it's a bad idea....but even so....It's my idea and I have the right to try it at least! I don't want people to tell me that something it's impossible, I know the risks and I know how to prevent them! I've been analizing them since a pretty good time ago, and I genuinely feel I've found an idea that can help people...people like you and me, with the same suffering... I think I deserve to try it at least!...I don't want people to tell me if it's bad or good idea, I would like to see it with my own eyes!
Plus! I am not sure if what he's doing it's something worthy of a true friend at first. I think a real friend would say "I think it's a bad idea, but if you genuinely believe that would make this world a bit better place I would support you anyways and help you to make your idea work, and if I can't then, I would make sure that you're ok at least" but he didn't say that, instead it seems like he's trying to make me chose between 2 parts of myself when there's no problem of having both!...like Remy's father tried to do on Ratatouille, to make him chose between his family and his passion for cooking. I think that it's really unfair.
And the most important thing here, one I realized today, it's that he's doing this because he tries to protect me cos he fears that everything could come out bad and the people would hurt me and make fun of me, but with doing this he is not only making me feel tortured and tormented like those wifes whose husbands prohibit to follow their personal projects and dreams, but he's doing something that nobody should do to a person! He's taking away my chance to learn! I've realized that if I've got this experience it's because of a reason, cosI need a life lesson!!! I have something important that I have to learn and he's taking away my chance to learn from my experiences! And that's even more unfair!
He wants me to "change my mind" like changing of socks and is forcing me to think like I did before, he wants me to unseen the beauty on that branch of art now just because he is not agree with it being considered art, but I can't! I can't even if I want, cos things doesn't work that way!! I can't change now perspective of this subject I've got with his help for the old one I had before, because now I've seen that there might be a way to redeem that stuff, I've seen the beauty on it! I know more!...But maybe not all what I need to know....So, the only way that might make me come back to the old perception it's learning something else! It means that I have to try this idea I had and something has to happen so I can learn a life lesson! And maybe at that way, I could finally change of mind like he wants....
All I know it's that I have to do this in order to learn, and I want to take this life lesson, becuase I know everything will be ok at the end And I know from experience that if I postpone a life lesson that I need to learn today, then it will find me in the future and I am going to live a harder experience to learn that same life lesson! And I don't want that because for then I will be older and a lot less strong, and maybe all alone. I want my life lession now! I want to learn it as soon as possible so I can leave behind this sad and torturing experience and move over, a bit smarter and happier ....but he...doesn't let me to learn it....
And even if I've mentioned him that I know how to share this kind of art properly so people don't make fun of it or trivialize it or anything ...he doesn't want to believe me ....And honestly....I don't know what to do....I don't know how to make him understand that I need to do this in order to learn....And well, that's why I can't draw, nothing comes out good when I try to draw! Because I feel tied and trapped, this dilema that wouldn't have reason to be if he could just say yes, makes me feel like between a rock and a hard place....I feel all empty...I feel my soul and all the good things I used to love about myself dying...and I know that when my soul dies my art will have no meaning.....But I can't try this idea without him agreeing because, wheter it's true or not, I would never betray somebody I love....that it's against of who I am.....I would never stand someone feeling betrayed by me cos I couldn't stand such huge charge in my heart ....
So...my only option left....it's...to tell you guys that if this isn't solved soon and I can't learn that life lesson destiny has for me, I will announce my retirement with my shattered soul ....and retire of art....
But don't worry, I'll finish posting my old drawings cos I would like to thank you for all their wonderful support and inspiration and love Of course, when when all my old pieces are over...I just will leave this page....since I don't think I could be able to do new art....
I missed last Thursday to post because of the thunderstorm we had (the internet and lights went down) but now I have some time, I would like to post this I made on April. It was a drawing of Faikel I made to feel better one time when I talked with somebody about faikel and he seemed not to like him for some months. Fortunately, I took some days to explain him that there's nothing wrong with having imagination and loving your own character, and this situation came out greatly at the end And you know? Now when I see this drawing I feel very happy I made it, cos probably it's one of the most wonderful pics of him I've ever done *chuckles* And at the time I made it, I really felt better It was like...like if I could transfer the pain of my heart to this piece of paper and then feel way better! I think that's amazing thing! it was amazing, specially cos when I feel sad or bad for something that happens I just try and draw happy stuff to feel better. But this time, the pain of my heart was that big that I felt like drawing something that could represent how I was feeling. And well...I post this today because...well, I can't draw new stuff...and because I am feeling the same way, not for the same reason, but because it's that I've been dealing with one of the most hard moral dilemmas I've ever had! And I don't know how to solve it so it can end good for both! this is something people don't teach in the school....I wish someone taught me how to solve stuff like this...Oh and the tittle it's because when I drew this, I imagined faikel being bereaved , looking at the stars wondering "What did I do wrong?!!"
I know I mentioned somedays ago that I was so enthusiastic and happy about some new art pieces I was working on, but I had to stop 2 of them due force majeure causes, some days ago, and I just got to finish one of them, the fairy alien, cos was a request....I think maybe I did wrong for not finish the other pieces first, becuase I was using my other 2 pieces of work as self-theraphy, to cope with this dilema while I can find a good solution for it....But when I stopped those drawings I could remember the trouble again, and I feel like I can't come back to work on them...or any other thing...because I feel like my art no longer have a meaning....Maybe for other people...but not for me *sigh*...
I've struggled to find some meaning on my artwork again since a pretty good while...and I even asked for help to some close person who always told me that was willing to help me when I had trouble, but he says "it sounds like a normal artist block" but no it isn't...the reason why I can't make artwork anymore it's cos I feel all empty and energy-drained...I feel tormended and mortified and feary to not chose the right answer...cos I want a solution to this stuff and makes everybody happy, but it seems like there's no one! ....
Well, this person it's someone who, I gave a lot of myself, maybe...I've given him too much of my own self...I told him about my artistic projects and ideas, my hopes and dreams, my deepest fears....but it seems like all this has been in vain, because the didn't like a couple of my ideas, said that they were vulgar and ridiculous, and now he has put me in a dilemma in which it seems there's no way out....there's no way I can find some choice that makes him and me feel happy and in peace...the story it's long....it has something to do with art....and I don't know why I'm rambling about this now...I just thought writting here could make me feel a bit better...and since opi is blocked since a good time I can't write there
well, in short, everything started when he showed me some pics that he liked, and I told him that they were dangerous but he didn't listened. He also showed me artwork of other people, a genre of artwork I've never seen until that time, a genre of artwork that always have beenconsidered unworthy for a lot of people...even by me...but I accepted because I thought that share that with me would make him feel better with himself.
He said he liked the art of that genre that people make, and he made me see THE BEAUTY in it! And later he said he wanted me to do art of that kind for him, and I did it because...He was my friend...he was my family...and I thought that was what he needed to feel better and leave behind his problems of the past...but, after that...that's when the tragedy begun...Because because to him I had seen that there was some beauty on that kind of art and I told him with enthuisasm that I wanted to make a couple of drawings of that genre and share them with the world, cos I knew I could make a better job and I could redeem that kind of art, but he said no!...He just said "absolutely no" and he said that it was a bad idea. I asked him why the suddenly change of mind he just said that he never liked that kind of art and that he found it unworthy and that it had no place on the art world then I answered him "why you shared with me that art and you said you liked it then?" "why you showed me that world?!"
I told him that I've seen the good stuff on that art and also the flaws of it, and that I thought eliminating the flaws and making better art I could make that genre of art worthy....I thought that with my wit and intelligence and creativity and heart could make it worthy!...I thought my kind heart could make it worthy!....but he refused, he said it was impossible! And also told me that if I even try to make that kind of art in the future and share it he would feel betrayed, he said that sharing that kind of art was like giving your soul to the world that was wrong to do O_O
But no, I don't think it is like that way. That doesn't work that way. I mean, it's true you give a part of your soul when you make art, but it happens with every kind of art in general, not just with only one. And when you give a part of your heart, it's not the same kind of part you give to your family, to your friends, or your partner, than the one you give to the world when making art and sharing it! it's not the same part! It's not the same! but it seems like he can't get it! And now it seems like he's forcing me to chose beewten having his frienship and love or keeping with my old dream of doing beautiful artwork to make this world a bit better place.....
He says I can't fix this problem of the world with that art because that will be dangerous and might destroy me in the process....And maybe he is right and it's a bad idea....but even so....It's my idea and I have the right to try it at least! I don't want people to tell me that something it's impossible, I know the risks and I know how to prevent them! I've been analizing them since a pretty good time ago, and I genuinely feel I've found an idea that can help people...people like you and me, with the same suffering... I think I deserve to try it at least!...I don't want people to tell me if it's bad or good idea, I would like to see it with my own eyes!
Plus! I am not sure if what he's doing it's something worthy of a true friend at first. I think a real friend would say "I think it's a bad idea, but if you genuinely believe that would make this world a bit better place I would support you anyways and help you to make your idea work, and if I can't then, I would make sure that you're ok at least" but he didn't say that, instead it seems like he's trying to make me chose between 2 parts of myself when there's no problem of having both!...like Remy's father tried to do on Ratatouille, to make him chose between his family and his passion for cooking. I think that it's really unfair.
And the most important thing here, one I realized today, it's that he's doing this because he tries to protect me cos he fears that everything could come out bad and the people would hurt me and make fun of me, but with doing this he is not only making me feel tortured and tormented like those wifes whose husbands prohibit to follow their personal projects and dreams, but he's doing something that nobody should do to a person! He's taking away my chance to learn! I've realized that if I've got this experience it's because of a reason, cosI need a life lesson!!! I have something important that I have to learn and he's taking away my chance to learn from my experiences! And that's even more unfair!
He wants me to "change my mind" like changing of socks and is forcing me to think like I did before, he wants me to unseen the beauty on that branch of art now just because he is not agree with it being considered art, but I can't! I can't even if I want, cos things doesn't work that way!! I can't change now perspective of this subject I've got with his help for the old one I had before, because now I've seen that there might be a way to redeem that stuff, I've seen the beauty on it! I know more!...But maybe not all what I need to know....So, the only way that might make me come back to the old perception it's learning something else! It means that I have to try this idea I had and something has to happen so I can learn a life lesson! And maybe at that way, I could finally change of mind like he wants....
All I know it's that I have to do this in order to learn, and I want to take this life lesson, becuase I know everything will be ok at the end And I know from experience that if I postpone a life lesson that I need to learn today, then it will find me in the future and I am going to live a harder experience to learn that same life lesson! And I don't want that because for then I will be older and a lot less strong, and maybe all alone. I want my life lession now! I want to learn it as soon as possible so I can leave behind this sad and torturing experience and move over, a bit smarter and happier ....but he...doesn't let me to learn it....
And even if I've mentioned him that I know how to share this kind of art properly so people don't make fun of it or trivialize it or anything ...he doesn't want to believe me ....And honestly....I don't know what to do....I don't know how to make him understand that I need to do this in order to learn....And well, that's why I can't draw, nothing comes out good when I try to draw! Because I feel tied and trapped, this dilema that wouldn't have reason to be if he could just say yes, makes me feel like between a rock and a hard place....I feel all empty...I feel my soul and all the good things I used to love about myself dying...and I know that when my soul dies my art will have no meaning.....But I can't try this idea without him agreeing because, wheter it's true or not, I would never betray somebody I love....that it's against of who I am.....I would never stand someone feeling betrayed by me cos I couldn't stand such huge charge in my heart ....
So...my only option left....it's...to tell you guys that if this isn't solved soon and I can't learn that life lesson destiny has for me, I will announce my retirement with my shattered soul ....and retire of art....
But don't worry, I'll finish posting my old drawings cos I would like to thank you for all their wonderful support and inspiration and love Of course, when when all my old pieces are over...I just will leave this page....since I don't think I could be able to do new art....
Image size
792x1066px 804.62 KB
© 2012 - 2024 Atrixfromice
Comments1
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
You can definitely see the emotion you were channeling in this picture. I can see how much you've improved as an artist from the first couple pictures of Faikel I saw.
I am really troubled to hear that you are thinking of leaving art. I know how much you love it. Even if you do decide to stop posting on deviantart I hope you don't stop drawing and taking your photos. There's no reason you should abandon a portion of yourself to make someone else happy.
I am really troubled to hear that you are thinking of leaving art. I know how much you love it. Even if you do decide to stop posting on deviantart I hope you don't stop drawing and taking your photos. There's no reason you should abandon a portion of yourself to make someone else happy.